Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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