ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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