I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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