I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
