I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
