I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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