My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
