we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
