when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
