Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
