I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
