my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
