Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
