I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
