is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
