I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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