Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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