I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize