he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
