even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
