I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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