Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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