Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
