I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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