We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.