Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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