Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
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Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
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Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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