I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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