areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
