i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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