No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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