at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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