So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
