His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
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i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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