I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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