I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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