His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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