Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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