My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
