You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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