Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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