So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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