He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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