a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
