if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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