I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I AM VODKA MAN
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
