Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
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It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
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I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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