just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
