Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
