Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
