i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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