Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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