I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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