I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
