So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
