Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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