ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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