im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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