dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.