Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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